Our Parents Need Therapy

The generational trauma keeps recycling, Millenials and Gen Z are not going to tolerate the bullshit, we are not going to allow the emotional, mental, environmental and economic abuse that our parents and 'grandparents suffered through. No, we are not! Many of us are seeking therapy, some not because of being in physically abusive households but our parents parenting styles are/were not as nurturing they were either authoritarian or uninvolved, let's acknowledge the truth. Some might have not been corporally punished but were not given the attention we needed as children, that is emotional neglect. What our parents kept saying was "I cloth you, buy you stuff you want, feed you and put a roof over your head - what more do you need, why are you such a problem child ( if your behaviour didn't please them or other adults around your vicinity)? Honestly that is not all that children need, those are the physical necessities they need. There is more, so much more! Children have emotional and cognitive needs that need to met by their caregivers in order to become balanced adults.

There are several different types of parenting styles, and each style is characterised by different combinations of behaviours, attitudes, and expectations. Here are four commonly recognised parenting styles:

1. Authoritative Parenting: This style combines warmth and support with control and discipline. Authoritative parents set clear rules and guidelines for their children but are also responsive to their children's emotional needs and offer support and guidance.

2. Authoritarian Parenting: This parenting style is characterised by high levels of control and discipline, with little warmth or support. Authoritarian parents set strict rules and enforce them with harsh consequences for breaking them.

3. Permissive Parenting: This style emphasises high levels of warmth and support, but little control or discipline. Permissive parents tend to be indulgent with their children's wants and needs and have difficulty setting limits and boundaries.

4. Uninvolved Parenting: This style involves low levels of both warmth and control. Uninvolved parents are generally indifferent to their child's needs and do not provide guidance or support. 

It's worth noting that while these are the most commonly recognised parenting styles, there are other variations as well even combination of them . Additionally, there is no one-size-fits-all approach, however black parents use the authoritarian parenting style more than all styles, they inflict fear within their children, it is not that you are respected dear parent, but your are feared. Also, a lot of black parents are uninvolved due to their own struggles and economic situations resulting being unable to be present in their children's lives physically and emotionally or both, or our fathers being completely absent but "send money". I cannot comment for other races but I speak from mine and my close environment's experiences.

We cannot continue with the pain inflicted on us by our parents as the current generation. They are not even aware, they did the best they could to raise us, but their best is filled with unhealed traumatic experiences that they received from their caregivers and violent environment. They do not know what affection really is, to them affection is having our physical needs met. Considering our apartheid and severe poverty history, they lacked those basic needs, and received abuse from their internal and external environments - how painful. These people are caring a heavy burden, so our parents and 'grandparents need therapy! What they are also unaware of is the fact that hurt people, hurt people - unintentionally of course. The love they give is limited to their experiences which I say is filled with pain and suffering. As adults they do not have the emotional intelligence to nurture their offspring in the needed way, and meet all their needs.Their window of tolerance is limited, so we can, and also cannot blame them. However what we do not appreciate as the healing generation and also adults is that when we point out their inadequacies towards us with their parenting styles (or us challenging their limiting beliefs), they gaslight us into thinking we are the problem. We wouldn't have "problems" if we are raised with all our needs; physical, financial, emotional and cognitive needs being met.

These are some of the traumas the generations before the current Gen Z and Gen Alpha have experienced. I will add Millennials within these generations because some were born during apartheid and are also currently parents. Here is a brief overview of the generations in South Africa (SADAG 2021):

1. The Traditionalists (born before 1945): This generation experienced the colonial rule of the British Empire and institutionalised racism under the apartheid regime.

2. The Baby Boomers (born 1946-1964): This generation came of age during the anti-apartheid struggle and experienced the Soweto Uprising in 1976, which was a turning point in South African history.

3. Generation X (born 1965-1980): This generation grew up during the final years of apartheid and witnessed both the end of apartheid and the beginning of the new democratic era in South Africa.

4. The Millennials (born 1981-1996): This generation has grown up in a post-apartheid South Africa, but has still faced challenges such as high unemployment rates, economic inequality, and social unrest.

You can understand the amount of trauma carried in our DNA? Each generation had their own traumas and passed it onto the next generation, to the next - the cycle... An example to a generational traumatic experience is the irrational fear of dogs, it may stem from the fact that the apartheid regime police used dogs to intimidate and control the Black Society, with this inhumane tactic of using dogs to intimidate and control our parents and 'grandparents it bought on fear, and was one of the many ways in which the apartheid regime was brutal and oppressive towards Black people. The fear is trapped in our gene markup. Basically, DNA or genes are coded messages from our environment and behaviours from our past generations, hence children follow in their 'parents footsteps without being influenced. An innocent example would be being a picky eater like your grandmother as a young boy or girl while a disruptive example is being an alcoholic like any of your 'parents.

Our current generations, Millennials and Gen Z (Gen Alphas are still babies - too young to impact change but can motivate) are the healing generation, we are all about healing.We are the healers of our generational traumas (and curses). Hence the boom of young sangomas, It's not that they all need to be healers to heal the nation at large, but heal their own families and reunite them with the ancient spiritual practices our 'parents have shunned or forgotten due to religious practices. We are the generation that is in tune with the ancients (pre-colonialism). Unknowingly our minds are open to the diversities of nature and functioning, we are tolerant and accepting of the different. Even though some of our generation have internalised trauma and act from it, a a lot of us are defying limiting traditions and behaviour. We are changing the societal narrative. We are the generation that is struggling with mental health because our minds cannot comprehend the functioning our our abusive society and environment. We are healing ourselves and our families though, slowly but surely. We are the generation that sees that the 9-5 is toxic and there's more to life, therefore we seek fun in all places that relieve us from the societal, political, environmental and economic bull-shark (trying not to swear even though it is well deserved, lol).

The generation (Gen Alpha and beyond) after us will experience a better life because we are paving a path of healing and confronting inadequacies of our entire existence from spiritual, mental, emotional and physical health. We are not perfect but we are trying on an individual and collective way to be the best people and society we can be. We believe in gentle parenting (authoritative & non-violent) and living a fulfilling life. We are learning that children are human beings with feelings and deserve opinions and respect.

According to research these are the important things children need:

Aside from the basic needs of clothing, shelter, and food, children also need emotional and psychological support to grow up balanced.

1. Love and attention: Children need to know that they are loved and valued. They need attention and affection from their parents, caregivers, and other adults in their lives.

2. Positive role models: Children learn by watching and imitating the behaviour of those around them. Having positive role models who demonstrate good values can help children develop a strong sense of morality and character (this excludes religion as a moral character).

3. Opportunities for learning and exploration: Children need to be exposed to new experiences and ideas. This can include things like reading, art, music, sports, and science. Allowing children to explore their interests and develop a passion for something can greatly enhance their sense of purpose and self-esteem.

4. Healthy relationships: Children benefit from having healthy relationships with peers and adults. This can help them develop social skills, empathy, and emotional intelligence.

5. Structure and routine: Children thrive when they have positive non-authoritarian structure and routine in their lives. This can help them feel safe and secure, and it can also help with things like time management and task completion.

Overall, providing children with a supportive and nurturing environment that considers both their physical and emotional needs is key to helping them grow up balanced and happy.

Let's all learn to be better individuals, so we can be better parents, family members and friends.

Lots of love, 

Lilly