The Dark Side of Shadow Work and Healing

Images by Soberish (online)

We often think that healing is this smooth transition and everything is sunshine and roses, but it is not. Healing is hard, it is confronting all your traumas, all the feelings associated with your traumas resurface and you are forced to feel them again as to process them and let them go. It is overwhelming in all senses. As I feel these many emotions all at once, with no skill to handle them, my body grows tired, in pain and weak.

I know this is for the greater good in long terms, but my body cannot distinguish that I am not in danger as I am confronting my past pain and current pain, my nervous system is in distress. I have researched how to heal my traumas now that I have identified the wounds from them, honestly it is so overwhelming, the amount of work and effort I have to do in order to balance myself is exhausting. I feel burdened and extremely tired, I neither have the mental and physical energy to attend to it. Whenever I think about the activities I need to do in order to feel better and start healing I just cry and want to hide, it's too much to think about. To make matters worse I feel alone, I feel detached from my loved ones and my mind believes that they do not care much, I know this is untrue but I'm struggling to not believe these intrusive thoughts because I have tried to reach out but my needs have not really been met. With my close ones emotionally absent I've experienced the kindness and tenderness of strangers and distant friends, I am grateful but I wish I could also receive that from my loved ones too.

As I am attaining self love and acceptance I realise that I have to provide myself with all that I lack from others, but I do not have the capacity at the moment to give myself attention, kindness, empathy, grace and affection. My inner child wound craves for those. I know this is the part of my journey where I have to purge my unhealed traumas, nevertheless knowing and experiencing force two different mindsets of 'I need to go through this to heal as to open my chakras more...' and 'I feel like death, when is it going to end...'.

I do not have a safe space since my therapy ended. I don't have a space to safely process my emotions, I don't have a safe space to cry and let it all out, and it really hurts. I wrote myself a note, somebody suggested it so to kick start my healing journey and it reads:

 

Dear sweet baby girl,

 

I know you're going through a tough time, you're frustrated, sad, feeling alone, burnt out. Your emotions are valid. You are not too much and you deserve all the love and affection you can get. You deserve attention and to be listened to. You are amazing, kind, strong, brave and the most loving being I know. You will get through this tough time. Your Great Divine is with you. Hold on to life and your purpose and mission. You are blessed and loved.

I love you beyond infinity 

 ⁓ Your older self

 

I've never been told such by my parents. I wish to hear it though. I say it to myself because I have to take care of myself emotionally but I am exhausted, I wish to be taken care of but but I feel like a burden, especially now that I am an adult. I can't wait to graduate from this phase and ascend to my higher consciousness which is God. I firmly believe I will be the greatest version of myself.

Signed, Lerato Lilly. 

 

The most painful journey we walk alone, but at some stops we need companionship just to recharge for the journey to go further 

~ Lilly